It's not me, it's you.

The other day I had a "disagreement" with a very close friend of mine. I will spare you the details , because i could sit here and write for days. My frustration and built up anger came from years of "putting up" with it. So much so, that it even made me question why i did it? Then i started thinking.

Could we just have grown apart? or were we just overwhelmed and possibly needed some time apart? I hated to use the same terminology that i used when dealing with my personal relationship, but really what was the difference? My "exstranged" bf and I had been starting to to remedy the status of our relationship after some time apart, and perhaps me and my friend needed the same thing? It's easy to assume someone will always be there for you, because they never have been faced with the possibility of losing you. It's sad that something major needs to happen in order for one to come to this realization, but maybe it was the only way? I believed that any person in your life should be carefully selected.

Everyone you surround yourself with, whether they are lovers, friends, partners or spouses should contribute and enrich you in some way, if not, why do we keep them? Let me clairify, by enrich, i did not mean, that you have to be able to "get something" out of everyone, at least not in a material sense, but i liked to think that the people in my life are essential to my happiness and overall sanity. The ones i keep around, encourage, inspire, educate, or just support me, they are ESSENTIAL.

So now here was the hard part. If someone isn't meeting that criteria, do you keep them around , just because? does your history with someone outweigh and make up for the fact that they arent making you happy anymore? How did you know that it was time to breakup with a friend?

hmmm....

Chance encounter, or perfectly planned Plot?

In the last post i mentioned i was "doing alright" i started writing that on thursday and didnt post till this evening, but everything changed late Friday night.

Late night Happy Hour was in full swing, 3 pitchers of cheap margaritas later, i had met a gentleman, whose name shall remain secret. There i was , basqing in the light of flattery. He was 32, successful and seemingly interested . The girls and i deicided to take the party a few doors down and i had asked "successful 32 year old" to come along. Minutes later I recieved a text mesage that sent the room spinning more than all 3 pitchers of margaritas. My wickedly handsome "exstranged" boyfriend was in town and had asked to see me. I wont ever repeat the content of that illicit text message, but lets just say it was exactly what i wanted. I panicked, felt sick to my stomach, but knew I HAD to leave. Right than and there , i realized i wasnt ready to date. Unless Channing Tatum or Mark Sanchez walked through the door, no man was charming, or handsome enough to stop me from seeing Steve. I excused myself for bailing , jumped in my car and was on my way home.

I had a million thoughts running through my mind. Why wasnt't i informed of this visit? was this a coincidence? or did he plan it? was i ready to do this? A couple hours, a freshen up, and an outfit change later, i was standing in front of the man i loved. There was no hesitation or awkwarness, we fell back into our roles. That night was amazing, and everything i'd been missing this last month. I had dwelled on the thought that i would never see him again and that night made me realize that even though it was complicated and perhaps not in the best of circumstances, it was far from over.

I knew that we weren't anywhere near a reconciliation. There was too much work to be done and not enough motivation to do it . Two days later we had lunch, and things felt normal again. I felt like I was having lunch with my boyfriend and I couldnt help but ask myself " why werent't we together?" I didnt want to be the bearer of bad news, but i knew we had a conversation pending. There were things that needed to be said in person and if i didnt say them now, i might not have another chance. I understood that time was not on our side, perhaps putting so much pressure on our future instead of allowing things to happen naturally was the cause of our demise. We really had no choice but to wait and see. After that weekend, we've started talking again and slowly getting to know eachother in a completly new light. The pressure of perfection is off, and im finding out things about him everyday, but more importantly things about myself.

Before the storm...

Despite life's recent shortcomings, I was doing alright. I had started the year with a new plan in mind, but then again doesn't everybody? I did not want to call them resolutions because i hated the term and everything that came attached to it. It always seemed like the recipe for failure , for me at least. Every year i vowed to shed the same 20 pounds I've been "working on" since high school... OBVIOUSLY you can see how that's been working for me.

So, not this year. This year i would take on more realistic tasks . To start, i vowed to keep my car clean ; free of water bottles , empty cigarette boxes( the ongoing resolution) and incriminating empty fast food bags... of my late night food binges, subsequent to my alcohol binges. The next thing would be my "inner self" resolution, and probably the hardest one yet. This year i vowed to stop feeling sorry for myself. I had started to create a reputation of a complaining, constant maker of excuses and justifications and this year, IT HAD TO STOP . Suuure it's been tough getting dumped three years in row and just recently figuring out what do to with my life , after attending various schools, accumulating debt ( none of which i ever graduated from ) but hey, all in the past and all minor details.

I was 25! i had 5 years to figure it right....riiiiigghht.

and so it is...

Here i was was again...newly single. I tend to have so much more material when this sort of thing happens AND if you know me at all, it happened more often than i liked . Some people can afford to take life changing vacations around the world, write about their experiences, and eventually get Julia Roberts to play you in a movie. But me....well i had blogging. Truth be told this breakup had taught me the importance of discretion . In a world where FB was responsible for alerting EVERYONE that you had gone from "in a relationship" to "single". I chose to go another route and simply not say a word...until now. My closest friends found out and only because i told them . Considering the circumstances (LDR) it was not the sort of breakup that people could really understand. It took me a few days and i was in it! There was no love loss and no disrespect from either party. One of the hardest parts of coping with heartache was accepting that there was not much you could have done to prevent it. I took the blame just as much as i put it on him. It's easy to become wrapped up in emotion and never really process something until you realize that it's actually happening and you're not just talking about it anymore.

Our relationship was great. It provided us with the support we needed during challenging times and perhaps that's exactly all it was supposed to be. However, the maturity of the decision did not lessen the pain of the unexpected blow to the stomach when you get dumped. BUT it did help me understand the reasoning behind it. I still wasn't sure where this would all end up, but i wasn't running to get there. Whatever was supposed to happen , would happen, without me doing anything to prevent or provoke it.