A new leaf...

So after careful consideration and under the advice of my newly married best friend, who wanted nothing more than for us to throw dinner parties together at our neighboring suburban homes , I joined an internet dating site. I’ll pause for the gasps________ Sure I always imagined I’d meet mr right the way most women do, in line at the Starbucks, at a bar , maybe even through a friend. But these things just weren’t happening and dammit I was on a deadline here. The selection of the site was simple. I was not gonna do e-harmony because it all just seemed a little too cheesy, those commercials drove me insane. I don’t care about the 25 levels of compatibility, and from what I hear they match you first , and THEN let you see your match's picture, no thanks, yes I am superficial . To top it off , its religiously based and well…im not.
Then there was Match .com. The only options for body type were , slim, average , athletic , curvy and big and beautiful. If that’s the case I’d much rather prostitute myself on myspace which has a better fitting description entitled “more to love”. I wasn’t doing Lavalife because there was something very “swinger-esque” about the whole thing and actually I was looking to do more than just hook up, been there done that.
I think that’s what really started it all in the first place. I was/am tired of the hookups. I think that for a long time I strayed away from convention and formality (catholic girl syndrome for sure ) that now I realized that maybe that’s what I needed. I had spent a lot of time allowing men to pay the minimum amount of attention to me, and rewarded them anyway. Ok , Ok so before you jugde. This didn’t necessarily mean I was easy, but I don’t think I was exactly playing heard to get. I was nonchalant about my expectations and never wanted to be the clingy girl. I was convinced that if I behaved just as uninterested as they were , they might step their game up and eventually come around. So then what would happen? we’d never make it on the same page and then before I knew it , the steamy love affair was over. It happened time and time again.
So now, things would be different. I used to make fun of guys who weren’t creative enough to plan a date that didn’t include dinner and a movie, and now… thats actually exactly what I wanted. Normal first dates, not first dates that ended up at breakfast or lasted over weekends. I wanted the awkward getting to know eachother phase, followed by the “who’s gonna be the first to say it” . I was ready for it all, so I joined Yahoo personals. Updates to come, stay tuned.

Breathe in...breathe out.

Its been a while...i know. School is still going strong but i cant say the same for my seemingly perfect relationship. I can write about it now because not only do i know the ending...i created it myself.

I was afraid that if i wrote about it and released it into the universe i could not take it back.I spent a long time kicking myself in the ass and blaming myself for the demise, but how much was really my fault and how much was forgivable? I will say that the past 5 months have not been the highlight of my life but to an extent i am thankful.

Perhaps it took a complete trainwreck to make me realize that i never wanted to be derailed like that. Women are constantly looking for answers, to questions they make up in their own heads.

The truth was sometimes if you stopped looking the answers would find you.

Endings are not always happy , but we need to realize when we've reached the end. The toughest battles that we fight are always againest ourselves. We were our worst critics and our own worst enemy's . Its now been 6 month since the man who promised me the world left me. A man who promised to pick me up if i fell and when i did , did exactly the opposite.

Because of this i have an entirely new outlook on what i want and refuse to settle for anything less.

Men always had a tendancy to play leading roles in my life and i made them out to be the villans, but really I WAS the villan, and as such it was time for me to step up and turn into my own hero.

Updated

i have been so incredibly distracted that composing a thought long enough to write it down has seemed so extremely far fetched.

I started school, a new job and took on a lover ( all in the same week, a few weeks back)

I should probably give the man a little more credit. He is so much more than a lover, he has all my heart. Yesterday for easter and my momma's bday, he met my fam and just fit right in. This is better than i could have ever expected or ever imagined.

School has made me revisit a place inside me i always knew existed. Apparently there are others in the world that share my passion for aesthetics, clean lines and spring collections.

I have stopped going out like i normally do. My normal is often times other people's extremes. This was a necessary change, considering the fact that my income much like the country's is in recession and frankly i have just needed to sleep a little more.

Sometimes i wondered if my party hard days of 2008 were a phase brought on by circumstance... was it posible that i was a closet homebody deep down inside?....oh no! just the though made me cringe. Although everything is great in moderation...unless of course we are talking about vodka.

i guess what im feeling is that i have reprioritized and dare i say ...grown up a little?

AlejandraMaria

It took me a long time to fall in love with myself, and before you continue reading I need you to know that I mean that in the least narcissistic, least self absorbed way possible. Falling in love with yourself extends so much further than accepting your hips or abnormally large forehead. Its not a feeling of superiority or self righteousness. It’s when you reach a maturity level and truly understand the way that your own minds works. Believe me, if you can’t figure yourself out, good luck trying to figure out men. I was on step one. Although the fate of my future was very much obscure and there were moments when I’d look around me and feel so incredibly lost in comparison to some of my bachelors’ degree, engaged, and married, homeowner friends. I believed that I had made the first move toward a happy ending. I enjoyed my own company and had stopped feeling sorry, all within reason of course. By no means was I under the impression that I was perfect. However at 23 , I had never had a better understanding of my likes and dislikes. My opinions were strong and cemented but not in a stubborn way. I was humble but I felt fortunate of my self confidence. I knew that there were things I was stuck with, decisions I had made that could haunt me, but I was me. Mentally I stood tall at 6 ft, although my tiny 5’1 frame might give off the impression of someone weak. I had understood that sometimes to be vulnerable was not a sign of weakness.

29

My parents celebrated their 29th wedding anniversary this weekend. Living in a society where people cant manage to stay together and divorce is a rising epidemic. This was very comforting. I know that everyone always says how much they admired their parents , but i really did. Not only were they together, they were happy. It seemed that the happiness had grown even more the older they had gotten. Im sure this was because they werent raising two children and stressed out as much. They only concentrated on eachother. I grew up in a house based on respect. My father had never had a macho mentality , which was rare amoung salvadorean families, and my mother had always put her family first . When i looked at them now i got a little insight as to how they might have been when they had first started dating. I saw them as the young adults who had decided to move to this country and start a family, always looking out for one another, always a team. I asked my mom what it had been like to have married at 23 and stayed married till now. She answered with , " I havent felt these years go by, you dont have to try so hard when it feels unnatural not to love someone"

The Spa

Friday Morning i woke up inder the effects of male rejection ( a feeling i had been growing much too used to). While the thought of a man running up and down my body, pulling, and feeling me up in inappropate places sounded alot better, i decided to go for the next best thing that involved human contact.... i went for a massage. Upon arriving to this hidden treasure i was told that there were no men massage therapists.I was bummed but as a consilation prize they gave me Sue. Sue was a little thai lady that for the bargain price of 40$ an hour, would walk up and down my back, curing me of all tension and frustration. I was intrigued.

Twently min into it, i was in my chi... my zen, whatever u people who meditate call it. I was just about to doze off when some loud bitch walked in. Under normal circumstances this would not have bothered me , but you have to understand that this was a traditional thai spa , massage stalls were separated by thin curtains . There was privacy yes, but not sound barriers. This very abnoxious women started giving her massuese specific instruction "no oil this, no pressure that" in a tone that not only assumed the massage therapist didnt speak english but was also deaf. There was no turning back , my concentration was gone. I had managed to finally reach a point of bliss where no thoughts from the outside world were entering my mind, and dammit! now all i could think about was the cheeseburger i'd devour when i got out of here.SHHEESHHHH!
Then a moment of silence, mystery lady had finally shut up. I spoke too soon , before i knew it there were sounds coming out of that room were definatly not spa ethical. "Ohhhh, uhhhh, right there, ohhhhhhh, mmmmmm" I couldnt believe it . Had she paid extra for a the special package with a happy ending? were male massage therapists hidden away somewhere that i didnt know about? i started to get jealous but more so very annoyed. A tip, no normal person wants to hear you climax in the middle of their massage. We understand that you are comfortable but for goodness sakes shut it! My hour was up and the ending was happier, i got dressed and little Sue escorted me down to the lobby where she handed me a water bottle and a piece of chocolate. On my way home i bought a Big Mac

Im alright.

“ The World is wide, and I would not waste my life in friction when it could be turned into momentum”


Ok so its not groundbreaking, but it does read a little poetic. A quote from the late Frances Willard. Willard was a nineteenth century social reformer. No I wasn’t writing a research paper and happen to stumble across it, its actually from a calendar my boss and dear friend gave me appropriately named “ Wild Words from Wild Women” The calendar sits on my desk and every morning I tear away the day before. I then proceed to reading out loud , and in a affirmation kind of way that day’s quote. This was today’s , It hit the ball right on the nose, and here’s why:

A year ago, actually more than a year ago I had been involved with a man. A man that to this day I secretly still imagined my children with (so much for the secret) The details and specifics as to why things didn’t end pleasantly are simply way to many to sit here and write about, stay tuned for the book later to be turned lifetime movie . 1 year and some months later, I was over it. Physically at least, this meant that I was no longer sad on my couch, regretful and eating everything in sight, I was finally seeing clearly and actually had dated throughout the year, unsuccessfully but often times beneficial. I had managed to gain perspective and understand that sometimes things were great, but not always meant to be and I was ready for the inevitable confrontation. Perhaps confrontation was the wrong word to use, so lets rephrase. I was ready for the hello’s and how are you’s without the fear of having my makeup run down my face.
We had a lot of friends in common so I knew that it was only a matter of time and to my luck the time was now. My very good friend would be having a party, a party that I thought I was invited to , THOUGHT being the magic word here. Much to my dismay, (but I cant say surprise) I received a phone call telling me that while I was not “uninvited” my more than a year ago ex gentleman friend would also be attending and well…maybe I shouldn’t go. WTF?? Was I really still having to deal with this?. I was furious, but more than anything I was sad. I could not be mad at my friend because I understood the position that this unfortunate circumstance had put him in, but I was angry at the fact that I felt like I was still being punished for something that happened MORE THAN A YEAR AGO in which I was the victim.
I had been looking forward to this party for a couple weeks now. Yes, I can admit that I was also looking forward to finally putting all this awkwardness behind me and this was the perfect opportunity . For one year I had been excluded from so many things simply because no one wanted to deal with awkwardness or being uncomfortable, but who were they protecting? Then I realized that no one was giving a shit about my feelings they were too concerned with how it might make ‘more than a year ago gentleman friend’ feel. Maybe now I’ve lost you, so lets back track . MTYAGF had a girlfriend… A girlfriend who apparently had been carrying around his balls in her purse for more than a year, and a girlfriend who obviously STILL felt threatened by me. A weak woman if you asked me.
I needed him to know that I was ok . Could it really have been something so simple as his guilt that prevented him from wanting to ever see me again? Or was it fear? Was it possible that this women had prohibited any future conversation, text message, phone call and that he was actually listening? It made me question the boundaries of a relationship, was this a case of being “whipped”? or simply being respectful of your partner’s feelings? I knew that he was not one to EVER invite unnecessary drama into his life, but how long was I supposed to stay in hiding? For someone that apparently had so much power (me) why did I feel like i needed to put up my white flag? Then I realized that I had already done that and all I wanted was for everything to be normal again
So how does this relate to the quote? Well that’s simple. ‘The world is wide’ this situation had the power to break me and I had reached a point where I had picked up all the little pieces, put them back together and came out even more resilient. I had executed the anger and sadness of it all and used it as motivation( momentum) to come out on top

One of the Boys...

A few nights back i had the pleasure of of hanging out with a fine group of gentleman. Its funny how there is always some sort of sexual tension, due to the fact that these "friendships" are the result or evoulution of a crush, at least from my part .

I have always been very proud of the fact that i can be one of the guys. I can shoot pool (not well) i can sit all your friend's lame stories about all the girls they've smashed while STILL in their 5 year relationships and sure i'll frown but never judge . Surely not a tomboy because i can still be girlfriend, I'll go with you to all the chick flicks, watch your kids when you're out of town and even introduce you to a hot guy when i feel that maybe you havent gotten any in a few months, shit ! i'll even do your make-up! I'll do all that and still i can pound on budlights with a bunch of drunk fat mexicans! Its the beauty of being versatile and really not picky as to who i drink with.

Man Hater...

Was i guilty? of course not! i was a boy hater, i call them boys because if any of the men that have come my way recently would have been men, i would not be single right now. i dont hate i thin that i was just getting to a point in my life where i had grown slighty resentful.

If you're interested...

So here goes, because it isnt just enough to talk about myself all day long, now im writing! ha!

Journaling is like breathing to me, Been doing it since i was 10. Anyone that journals will tell you that its the best form of therepy next to laughing and binge drinking. So this year i decided to join this movement of internet bloggers. I blog on myspace but that becomes complicated since i can never really mention names at the risk of embarrassing people, or more importantly myself, and while i do believe in keeping some level of discreation, its not fun to read unless you're compleatly honest.