Im alright.

“ The World is wide, and I would not waste my life in friction when it could be turned into momentum”


Ok so its not groundbreaking, but it does read a little poetic. A quote from the late Frances Willard. Willard was a nineteenth century social reformer. No I wasn’t writing a research paper and happen to stumble across it, its actually from a calendar my boss and dear friend gave me appropriately named “ Wild Words from Wild Women” The calendar sits on my desk and every morning I tear away the day before. I then proceed to reading out loud , and in a affirmation kind of way that day’s quote. This was today’s , It hit the ball right on the nose, and here’s why:

A year ago, actually more than a year ago I had been involved with a man. A man that to this day I secretly still imagined my children with (so much for the secret) The details and specifics as to why things didn’t end pleasantly are simply way to many to sit here and write about, stay tuned for the book later to be turned lifetime movie . 1 year and some months later, I was over it. Physically at least, this meant that I was no longer sad on my couch, regretful and eating everything in sight, I was finally seeing clearly and actually had dated throughout the year, unsuccessfully but often times beneficial. I had managed to gain perspective and understand that sometimes things were great, but not always meant to be and I was ready for the inevitable confrontation. Perhaps confrontation was the wrong word to use, so lets rephrase. I was ready for the hello’s and how are you’s without the fear of having my makeup run down my face.
We had a lot of friends in common so I knew that it was only a matter of time and to my luck the time was now. My very good friend would be having a party, a party that I thought I was invited to , THOUGHT being the magic word here. Much to my dismay, (but I cant say surprise) I received a phone call telling me that while I was not “uninvited” my more than a year ago ex gentleman friend would also be attending and well…maybe I shouldn’t go. WTF?? Was I really still having to deal with this?. I was furious, but more than anything I was sad. I could not be mad at my friend because I understood the position that this unfortunate circumstance had put him in, but I was angry at the fact that I felt like I was still being punished for something that happened MORE THAN A YEAR AGO in which I was the victim.
I had been looking forward to this party for a couple weeks now. Yes, I can admit that I was also looking forward to finally putting all this awkwardness behind me and this was the perfect opportunity . For one year I had been excluded from so many things simply because no one wanted to deal with awkwardness or being uncomfortable, but who were they protecting? Then I realized that no one was giving a shit about my feelings they were too concerned with how it might make ‘more than a year ago gentleman friend’ feel. Maybe now I’ve lost you, so lets back track . MTYAGF had a girlfriend… A girlfriend who apparently had been carrying around his balls in her purse for more than a year, and a girlfriend who obviously STILL felt threatened by me. A weak woman if you asked me.
I needed him to know that I was ok . Could it really have been something so simple as his guilt that prevented him from wanting to ever see me again? Or was it fear? Was it possible that this women had prohibited any future conversation, text message, phone call and that he was actually listening? It made me question the boundaries of a relationship, was this a case of being “whipped”? or simply being respectful of your partner’s feelings? I knew that he was not one to EVER invite unnecessary drama into his life, but how long was I supposed to stay in hiding? For someone that apparently had so much power (me) why did I feel like i needed to put up my white flag? Then I realized that I had already done that and all I wanted was for everything to be normal again
So how does this relate to the quote? Well that’s simple. ‘The world is wide’ this situation had the power to break me and I had reached a point where I had picked up all the little pieces, put them back together and came out even more resilient. I had executed the anger and sadness of it all and used it as motivation( momentum) to come out on top

One of the Boys...

A few nights back i had the pleasure of of hanging out with a fine group of gentleman. Its funny how there is always some sort of sexual tension, due to the fact that these "friendships" are the result or evoulution of a crush, at least from my part .

I have always been very proud of the fact that i can be one of the guys. I can shoot pool (not well) i can sit all your friend's lame stories about all the girls they've smashed while STILL in their 5 year relationships and sure i'll frown but never judge . Surely not a tomboy because i can still be girlfriend, I'll go with you to all the chick flicks, watch your kids when you're out of town and even introduce you to a hot guy when i feel that maybe you havent gotten any in a few months, shit ! i'll even do your make-up! I'll do all that and still i can pound on budlights with a bunch of drunk fat mexicans! Its the beauty of being versatile and really not picky as to who i drink with.

Man Hater...

Was i guilty? of course not! i was a boy hater, i call them boys because if any of the men that have come my way recently would have been men, i would not be single right now. i dont hate i thin that i was just getting to a point in my life where i had grown slighty resentful.

If you're interested...

So here goes, because it isnt just enough to talk about myself all day long, now im writing! ha!

Journaling is like breathing to me, Been doing it since i was 10. Anyone that journals will tell you that its the best form of therepy next to laughing and binge drinking. So this year i decided to join this movement of internet bloggers. I blog on myspace but that becomes complicated since i can never really mention names at the risk of embarrassing people, or more importantly myself, and while i do believe in keeping some level of discreation, its not fun to read unless you're compleatly honest.